Funny Retirement Quotes -
Lifting The Mood Of A Farewell Speech

Funny retirement quotes - a great starting point for structuring retirement speeches.


Weave a humorous retirement quote into your introduction. Your audience will relax and have a chuckle. You'll relax and be well on your way to presenting an amazing retirement speech.

Less can be more - choose one or two great quotes that really appeal to you and intersperse them throughout your speech.

Laughter is very often the best medicine - especially on an occasion when you may all be feeling a bit overwhelmed and emotional. Great funny speeches really captivate and keep your audiences' attention.

So, go on, have the last laugh and word!


Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous

When I was sixty-five - I still had pimples.

George Burns

Retirement life: seen it all, done it all -

Can't remember most of it!


A retired husband is often a wife's full time job.

Ella Harris

Before deciding to retire early...

Stay home a week and practice watching daytime television.


Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache...

Unless you play golf!

Gene Perret

I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work -

So I do it three or four times a day!

Gene Perret

The best time to start thinking about your retirement -

Is before your boss does!


The money is no better in retirement...

But the hours are!


Heaven - that's my retirement plan!


I always arrive late at the office...

But I make up for it by leaving early.

Charles Lamb

When you stop lying about your age and start lying around the house...

You know you're retired!


People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty seventh birthday?

I tell them...a paternity suit!

George Burns

The down side of retirement...

Is having to drink coffee on your own time.


You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces...

And wonder what else you could do while you're down there!

George Burns

Retirement must be wonderful.

I mean, you can suck in your stomach for only so long.

Burt Reynolds

In retirement only money and symptoms are consequential.

Mason Cooley

There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working.

Robert Half

The secret of longevity...

Is to keep breathing!

Sophie Tucker

At my age flowers scare me!

George Burns

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it -

At my age...I'm very pleased to be anywhere!

George Burns

Funny retirement quotes - a must for any speech!

Here's wishing you wonderful years of retirement filled with laughter, health, loved ones and cherished memories still to be created!

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Retirement Speeches - Gracious Yet Great Goodbyes